Saturday, March 25th 2006
The Other Half Of The Story
Many of you have read about some of Johnny’s adventures from his youth and I played a part in many of them. Well, I’m here to tell you MY side just to keep things on an even keel.
That broken foot story sure is one of the dimmer moments of our history. Unfortunately, this isn’t a rebuttal - it’s all true what Johnny wrote I’m sad to admit. Damn, when I finally took him to the hospital the next morning I felt so small I could’ve left the room with the door closed. Parents spend so much time trying to maintain the all-knowing status thrust upon them by their children. The truth of the matter is, half the time we’re just making it up as we go along and no one is lucky enough to do it right every time.
Johnny’s coming out period was, to say the least, very difficult for both me and my husband. The gay lifestyle was not something that either one of us was very well versed on and the time leading up to the realization wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. We carried many heart-wrenching days, weeks and months - not all due to the gay thing. The emotional strain of not only our realization but the difficulty he must have been going through during that whole process was a lot to take. We were at each other throats 27 hours a day, 8 days a week. I remember telling him that I would always love him but there certainly were many days when I truly didn’t like him! You have to understand that his announcement of being gay was right when gay-bashing, the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer, etc. were making the news very frequently. To suddenly discover a whole new pack of things you need to protect your kid from is very distressing; especially when those things seemed so far from your world two days before.
As the old saying goes, “time marches on” and it did. Johnny’s father passed away, Johnny eventually left home for the Cape. My visits to see him were always great and he would call me (and still does) faithfully five times per week at least. No phone conversation ever ends without an “I love you.” He is ALWAYS home for Christmas and will even make additional trips when time permitted (or family emergencies warranted). We are a close family and I doubt we will ever lose that. He possesses that same value with his true friends.
So you wanna know how I felt when I learned he was in porn? Usually he will call and say, “I wanna run something by you” - so I know we are in for some brainstorming or in-depth conversation. NOT THIS TIME! We were having a family dinner - he was home for one reason or another and during the course of setting the table and getting all the food ready he casually announced that he was doing porn! From the tone of his voice you would’ve thought he’d taken up yoga or something! Mind you, I think he set me up months prior with a conversation where he mentioned he had sent some of his pictures to a company for some potential modeling jobs. Modeling? Of course - he’s drop-dead gorgeous and was from the moment I gave birth to him - just like his siblings (all from their father’s side, mind you). He had pursued modeling long before he left home so it didn’t seem out of the ordinary at all. Great - I had become very comfortable with his gay lifestyle, welcomed one of his boyfriends home for the holidays. Hell, we even took the boyfriend all around to the family get togethers. I only ever wanted him to share ALL of his life with me and I was certainly willing to do the same. He has a boyfriend - he’s family, end of story. So I was very pleased with our wonderful relationship. NOW HE’S DOING PORN! Holy shit, you have to wonder what’s next, right?
Porn? NO! - the connotations of porn in my old brain were: STD’s, AIDS, DRUGS, etc. and I didn’t want my angel mixed up with that! Another set of friggin’ hurdles to overcome and at the time I definitely saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I didn’t even know where the tunnel was to start with! This is just the sort of crisis that can ruin a relationship - even one as good as ours. I was strong. I trusted my boy to live his life and use all of the things I had taught him over the years. And here we are today. My trust was well-founded. I know he’ll do the right thing. Would I be happier if he was doing something else? Probably. But it’s much more important to both of us that we don’t have secrets and can turn to the other for any amount of support in what we do. He has my full support because he’s my baby and I love him!
