Friday, April 4th 2008

Road rage is a big problem around the country and particularly here in Los Angeles. What most people don’t realize is that while road rage is a condition experienced by the driver, the cause is a collaborative effort in which we all partake. Some people think they can beat the traffic gridlock by breaking rules and taking risks. Well, they just make it worse – even worse than those poor fools who think being extra, ultra careful is useful to anyone. Since that is too broad a topic for anything less than an in depth thesis I decided to talk about two simple things that contribute to congestion and are utterly avoidable.

My first topic is a novel concept called deceleration. Most people are quite aware and fond of acceleration when that luxury is available to them, yet when it comes to deceleration you’re far more likely to get a blank stare than a knowing nod. Deceleration is the simple act of releasing the “go” pedal and allowing gravity to do what it does best. Sorry tailgaters, this only works with a reasonable distance between you and the vehicle in front of you. Ever wonder why you have to get new brake pads every six months?

It’s sad, but true that most people are running on pure animal instinct when they drive. Who can blame them? There are just so many things you can do in a car these days and let’s face it: Driving is boring! Instead of making decisions people apply their brakes as the blanket solution to everything. And those brake lights trigger other semi-sentient drivers to brake without thinking until the median speed of the roadway is significantly lowered. And then they do it all over again.

The next item is courtesy, but don’t jump to conclusions. This isn’t the sort of courtesy most people associate with that word. It’s an important word that I think is trivialized in this country. Just like consideration it has lost all meaning mostly because the whole meaning wasn’t known in the first place. Anyway, I’m talking about common sense courtesy that is efficient and universally beneficial and it has nothing to do with handkerchiefs. A prime example is the zipper effect of merging traffic. When two lanes have to merge into one there people tend to defend their turf in a ridiculous struggle. It’s so fucking stupid and nobody really achieves anything aside from making an unpleasant situation last even longer.

Here’s a little secret for you. During a merge, the lane the doesn’t end will always move the slowest. The cars have to make room for those being kicked out of the ending lane and that is translated directly behind. So if you don’t mind begging to be let in you should definitely hold out in that lane and show those poor suckers who followed the construction signs just how good at math you are. There are lots of little things to do to shave valuable seconds off their drive. Pretend to make a right hand turn at an intersection and then jet out of the lane right in front of the line! That’s a great strategy, but don’t get pissed off if someones calls you on it and ends up trapping you behind a parked car. Just because you’re a tactical genius doesn’t mean you aren’t also a selfish asshole.

This entry was posted by Johnny & Boy Wonder on Friday, April 4th, 2008 at 5:21 PM and is filed under Media, Pet Peeves, Watch Johnny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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