Hazzard Ahead
Johnny Hazzard Blog

Thursday, May 13th 2010

You Sure Are Pretty

Posted by Johnny

About a month ago I noticed that my front left tooth, which is a cap, had a crack in it and began to discolor on the top. Since this little fucker cost a pretty penny my dentist said it would be replaced at no charge. Phew. I thought since we had done this before that he would have the dimensions necessary to order a new one and that that would be that.

Due to a misunderstanding on my part and a lack of communication on the dentist’s part, I was given a temporary 2 days before I was to leave for the east coast. It turns out that they need to take an impression and order a new one. He explained that when the tooth came to his office in Palm Springs he would send it to wherever I ended up and we would take care of it. Easy enough right?

I made it across the country with no problems at all until I arrived home in Ohio. I asked Mom to have everybody over to celebrate my arrival. Two hours and 2 six packs into the evening the tooth fell out when I bit down on a pizza crust. I had bought some dental fixative but in my state of happiness I knew it would be stupid so I decided to leave it off. It supplied everybody with much ammunition for jokes and kept us all laughing all night long.

Having fun

The next day after looking at it I became strangely attracted to it. I thought it was very hot hillbilly and decided to keep it (much to Aimie’s dismay) until my replacement arrived. I really got a kick out of watching peoples faces as they realize that I had no tooth.

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Moms Day Patio Games

Rest assured that all is back to normal and I have all my toofs!

Friday, April 16th 2010

Good Ideas Pt 1

Posted by Johnny

I was in DC for a gig staying at this hotel, whose name escapes me, and they had the best ecologically responsible products in the bathroom including this soap that I just fell in love with. I forgot all about it as soon as I left DC until I got to my friends house in Cambridge MA and noticed that not only did she a bar of it in her shower but she had amassed quite an arsenal of it as well. The soap’s schtick is the center has been removed because usually when a soap gets to a certain point in it’s life, like when it’s been reduced to a nub, it gets thrown out. The hope is that by removing the center we reduce waste. The packaging is all recycled material and the ink is soy based thus ensuring a kharmically clean experience.

Look Ma, No Center!

Saturday, February 14th 2009

It’s My Life

Posted by Johnny

Today I’m heading up to Utah for a Valentine’s event and I just couldn’t leave without saying something, ANYthing on the blog since I’ve been so negligent lately. Sometimes you just fall out of the groove, you know? I was thinking about religion last night and how religious people kind of get a bad rap from all of the fanatics, but then I realized an entry about that would be a major endeavor so another Friday the 13th blog op was missed. And of course I have fuck all to say about love, which means a Valentine entry is out of the question. Don’t even get me started on this “holiday” or I’ll never make my plane. Let me just say in shorthand, “Why do we NEED a day to do things for those we love?”

Then it hit me! I have a fun little video we made just for kicks and I can use it to overshadow the fact that I don’t want to write a fucking thing! They will love it and I can ease my guilt for being such a rotten host! You see how that works?

Wednesday, May 7th 2008

Pets Are Better Than Humans

Posted by Johnny

This story has been on the back burner for ages. Sometimes it’s better to talk about something after the fact. I’ve whittled this down considerably and yet it is still reeeeally long so I’ve decided to pepper it with photos!

America's Next Top Dog

That’s right. This is all about Petey.

When I first got him it was clear that he suffered from a severe case of separation anxiety. He would tear up the rug in front of the door and began to rip the metal frame from around the front door in an effort to get out whenever I was away from home. I bought a wire cage from Petsmart only to have him chew, yes chew through it squeezing himself through an opening that I am shocked did not cause a bloody mess and a trip to the ER. I talked to the instructor for Petey’s first segment of obedience class about my dilemma and she told me of a woman who encountering the same problem had designed, with the help of a welder, a wrought iron cage that was meant for the transport of large exotic animals, more specifically, a tiger! Obviously the cage was going to be made smaller and the idea was comical and I was hopeful. My hopes were short lived however and smashed to a million pieces when I came home to find Petey soaked in urine and slobber. The final event that led Petey back to the truck was the “Post-Its” on my door from neighbors asking me to quiet my dog. I was literally at my last rope now so in the meantime while I figured out what the next step was in calming this panic I had to take Petey with me everywhere in my truck.

By the fountain near my place in WeHo

Amazingly he had absolutely no trouble hanging out in the truck; he knew I was coming back and he would lay down on his pillows quiet and relaxed patiently waiting for daddy to return. It was very problematic during August and September as the temperature would reach into the 100s. Not only was it a issue for my little boy’s health, but it is illegal to leave a dog in the car in CA. I would crank up the AC and only be gone for minutes at a time. I would enlist the help of friends to watch him when I had to run errands that would take more than a couple of minutes; this was now a full time job.

I enjoyed his company though and when I would see his little ears blowing in the wind from my rear view mirror I would just smile and be happy that he was in my life. I would leave the little window of the cab half open when I would go shopping or to the gym and it was set to a spot that even I had a hard time getting past. I had done this so many times and was without worry or fear that he would get out and besides, he was not anxious at all about hanging out in the truck.

Steady boy! This is only a play date.

One night I had attended a class on the Science of Happiness and of course brought Petey along. When I pulled in on the far side of the lot I noticed a man and a woman of the tweeked out variety in close proximity. I made a comment to Petey that may have been a bit judgmental, but I thought since it was just the two of us that no harm would be done. I pulled in to my spot and went inside at 7:10 PM. I know this because I glanced at the clock when I turned the truck off. At 9 PM the class ended and I went outside to the truck ready to be greeted by my beloved companion. I approached and noticed that the window appeared to be opened all the way. Panic set in and I ran to the truck. I unlocked the door the truck illuminated to show an empty cab. I wanted to throw up. I immediately imagined him by the side of the road then switched to a vision of him lost in the foothills of the mountains that looked over us from the West. Even as I write this and relive it, I feel that panic rising from my gut and the chill running down my arms to my fingertips; it was to date the worst experience I can recall. I started to run calling his name as loud as I could. I had no idea where I was running to, but standing still would only serve to exacerbate the panic and fear that seemed to engulf my body. I had only gone about 50 ft around the building when I made a quick left to see my beloved four legged friend hanging out calm as cash with the two crackheads that I silently insulted 2 hours prior.

They had Petey leashed with some rustic rubber tubing that was crudely tied to his collar like some junkyard dog. The female was grossly thin and clutching a “Big Gulp.” Her male companion was silent and wearing sunglasses. She began to explain that she found my dog and that he looked really lost and scared so she grabbed him and gave him chicken. The three of them were hanging out by the pay phone around the building, a football’s throw from my truck. I looked at her gaunt, skeletal face as she explained again that they had found the dog and that he was scared, they gave him chicken and called the number listed on his tags. I thanked them over and over and she said her victory speech over and over until I coughed up a couple of twenties.

They're like twins!

The second I was alone with Petey I began to cry, hard, really hard. And I was ashamed of myself for my remark earlier about the street kids. That all changed very soon. Once I discovered the 10 voicemails left during my two hour absence it was clear that Petey had been taken and more or less held for ransom. He did not push that window open, they opened it. What fucking balls! You have to be really cracked out and desperate to stick your hand in a truck with the face of a pit bull staring back at you. They coaxed him out with the cheap chicken they got from the KFC behind the building and took him right to the phone where they began to make their rescue calls. It was definitely a moment to remember and now when Petey goes with me the window is locked.

Relaxing on my stairwell/patio.

With that scary episode behind me and a very different life in front of me there has been much improvement with Petey. Thanks to a little intense training and some tough love he can now stay at home by himself (for short spells anyway). There are still days that push me to my limits, but I think he’s definitely worth a little wear and tear on my nerves. Who knows what would have become of him if I hadn’t come along? I know I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today without the collaborative support of many, many individuals and they didn’t give up on me when I chewed on their $260 custom sandals! Well, you get the idea.

Tuesday, April 29th 2008

Finally WeHo

Posted by Johnny

People in my life sometimes like to point out that things often go my way. Maybe things do happen for me more easily than for others, but it certainly didn’t feel that way in March. I was trying to find a living situation in West Hollywood and a renter for my place in Palm Springs without much success. When I found a renter I was still without a place to go to and then the renter fell through leaving me back at square one. It didn’t help that I didn’t have a job lined up, but where was the time to take care of that?

Then fate turned her frown upside down and I secured a really great renter and a potential roommate all about the same time. Through my network I discovered a friend of mine in WeHo was moving and needed a roommate. He and I had always gotten along very well and soon we found a cute place in a great location we could afford. Well, if I could get a decent job anyway.

My readers know me as an organic food eating, animal rights supporting, environmentally aware, music loving wine freak with an affinity for nudity and spreading positive energy in every direction possible. Well now there are two of us at home and we spend a whole lot of time here in relative peace providing The Abbey keeps the noise down. I’m very excited about this very new phase in my life and to share some of my enthusiasm I put together a little welcome video for your amusement.

Skyscraper