Thursday, September 25th 2008
The Fruit Of My Loins
The story of a dildo in the making is one I’ve gone over so many times in my head that at some point I assumed I had already written about it here. Then the C1R PR guy wrote to ask me for a few quick words about my experience and I was unable to cheat and copy from the blog because the story wasn’t there to begin with.
So here we go… picture it, 2005, a hot, summer day in the San Fernando Valley. I showed up at an enormous factory and was promised a tour after the deed was done. They asked me if I needed Viagra and I refused, so confident in my ability and unaware of what was to come. I thought that this would be carried out in some sort of special room with flat screen TVs playing the porn of my choice as well as candlelight and plush pillows. Instead I was led to what can only be described as a store room with a gurney, an Ikea room divider and lots of fluorescent lighting. This was not what I expected in a million years; I at least thought I would have some stimulating experience going on the monitors, I also never expected that the guys involved in the “casting call” were not going to speak any English and they were not going to be Gay. This is so hot and it gets so much hotter.
The door opened in front of me and after a poor attempt at introductions by the ringleader of the little gang of frightened Mexican men the dude threw me a hospital gown. I responded that I didn’t see it necessary given the circumstances of my little visit here. He told me kindly that it was not for me but for them. Great. Because I was so comfortable before. I ducked around the room divider and prayed that this would all work out.
“Ready?” I heard from beyond the compressed wood chip panel.
“Ready” I responded half-heartedly and quite terrified. I thought that the “ready” meant are you ready to get this party started and after 3 minutes they began shouting and I realized that it was not what they meant. “ready?” meant the party was already in full swing. I was not and nobody bothered to tell me that this little production was on a very tight schedule and set of rules.
You see, the mixture of magic goo they use is only good for like 3 minutes before the zenith of activation is over and it must be thrown out if the mold was not cast successfully. I also have to stay really hard for about a minute while the plaster is setting on me to ensure that the mold is accurate and set. This was beginning to scare me. I had no idea how I was going to get trough this. Not only was I fishing for stimulation in the deepest recesses of my brain but I had less than 3 minutes to do it and hope to God it’s hot enough to keep my pecker at full attention long enough for this mold to set.
The first two times did not work out so well. I was able to get it up but I had to race around from the corner, hop on the gurney and then they had to stick this cone with a huge rubber ring at the end around the base of my dick and press down very hard to create this suction and then the other dude poured this very, very cold dough over my very, very overworked and very, very nervous schlong. I think the 3rd or 4th time was the last. It either worked or they just gave up; my focus was on maintaining what I had and staying at that sexy place in my head.
It was one of the most memorable, rewarding and difficult activities that I have to do in this business yet.
I got my tour as promised and as we were walking into the show room. Ma Hazzard called and asked me quite nonchalantly if I got my “dick done” yet. I said yes and I began to describe the room I was in and all its various rubber orifices staring at me. She asked me if they had any vibrators. I was lost at this point and knew we had a professional here and I thought it best that the request be forwarded onto him. He giggled and then began to walk around the floor grabbing this and that off the wall, the hook or out of the basket all the while laughing and laughing like he was talking to his best girlfriend. He hung up, walked back to me and said “She is soooooo cool” as he handed me the phone. I know she got a lot of shit and I think one of them was on a key ring!
Wow,
I used to chat with Michael Brandon all the time and he once recounted how his model was made… Nothing like yours. If I remember correctly, it was done in studio… but they didn’t offer him Viagra… they gave him a shot, right in the dick, that was quite uncomfortable.
Of course, this was many years ago, so the technology behind the casting has changed.
I’m curious if one thing hasn’t changed, though… When they made his, they (cough cough) exagerated some of the features… Any for you?
I collect keyrings… if there’s a vibrator on a key ring, I must have it! Where is this factory? Can I get a tour?
So here’s a question for ya Johnny: do you know of anyone that uses a dildo modeled after themselves? I’m curious about what that would say about an individual.
The key chain is from Topco Sales, of course, and can be found here. It doesn’t appear to be available now, but you can pre-order.
And, no, I don’t.
Ankh – Even though my experience was less than glamourous, Michael Brandon had to spend much more time in the casting medium. That’s why he had to use Caverjack and that crap will never be used on my piece – let me tell ya!
I think all of these molds have to be modified to some extent and they have to make up the balls from scratch. From what I’ve seen up close there is definitely and air of embellishment about mine.
Johnny
)
Nice to get the behind-the-scenes story regarding one of my most favored toys. I currently own about 6 different dildos and one would think that I would alternate these on a daily basis. Well, even as I claim to be versatile, I’m picky about who/what will be topping me and when it should take place. Most of my collection is strictly used for stimulating cock-to-cock masturbation. Yours, however, gets to participate on levels that make the others envious (probably including my boyfriend’s own piece). Although your dildo-making experience was quite a trial, I am glad that you went through with it. It’s rare that I have a cock fit so comfortably inside of me and get it all the way in without feeling more pain than pleasure. So, thus far, there have been 2 cocks in my experience (of 8 years) that have stimulated my prostrate on-spot everytime and you have the pleasure of being one of those 2.
I think that dildo-casting should be done for all males in the future. I imagine a world where a guy could submit his application to date me and this would include a detailed resume of previous dating experience and a portfolio that would include skills (i.e. cooking, instrument playing, singing, programming, etc.) and letters of recommendation/evaluation from previous lovers. (This would be reinforcing my belief that all relationships that end should have an exit interview, where lessons learned could be addressed so that individuals could have their faults expressed to them in detail so problems could potentially be avoided in the future.) Also being submitted would be a dildo, modeled after the candidate, so I could know if he’s a good fit.
I’ve got this expensive $200 pound-able ass with cock toy – I’m curious how this toy was constructed. I wish there were more toys like it…
“Hazzard Dildoes. Suffering for your pleasure since 2008.”
This is why I’ll never make it in advertising.