Sunday, July 23rd 2006
Purse Party 2006
Usually when I fall behind in my writing I don’t back track. But I feel that this entry is deserving of a little time trip backwards. Last Sunday I was the guest celebrity judge for the Purse Party. Yes, the Purse Party. It was orchestrated by Vernon Wall of Iowa and was a fundraiser for an AIDS charity and a shelter for women.
I am all for charity and having it in P’town made it all the more appealing. Ms. Richfield, a local entertainer was the MC and a damn good one.
Every year a group of guys get together for their vacation in P’town, the boys hail from Iowa, Georgia and as far away as California. They all donate some cash and some of them participate in the contest that bears the name of the event. The rules are simple, create a purse and a pair of pumps to be judged by the judges and have a good time. Every contestant was introduced and asked to tell a little about their entry; what it was made out of, how they made it and where the inspiration came from. Those that were immediately dismissed were those that purchased their purse or lacked any creative drive. We narrowed it down to 3 finalists. The third place contestant purchased his purse and only qualified with a small Velcro attached pouch that he added. Looking at his entry you can see why he made it to the final round.
The second finalist was a close second indeed. His imagination and the time he invested did not go unnoticed.
But there cannot be two number ones.
This purse was made entirely out of chopsticks. It conveyed a political message of which I have no recollection, I should have written it down. Anyhow here is a picture of me with the winner, whose name I forgot!
I really need to be more attentive to the details. Forgive me, winner of the 2006 Purse Party. Congratulations Vernon on a great party and for raising more that $600 for some great charities. I had a wonderful time and look forward to helping you out in 2007.
My auntie Denise would like to congratulate all the laureates and thank Johnny for providing her with ideas for a brand new line of purses. Here’s an exclusive preview of our fall collection.
The Paris Hilton purse – the cheapest-looking yet most expensive of them all !
(Note to our costumers: We have discarded The Jessica Simpson purse after receiving complaints that it squeaked even when empty. We’re currently working on the Lindsay Lohan lyophilized purse that needs to be re-hydrated constantly – not recommended for banknotes but perfect for credit cards and straws. Don’t get caught in a bathroom without one !)
The Pamela Anderson purse – it’s big, it’s blond, it’s inflatable. Not tested on animals (except Tommy Lees).
The Whoopie Goldberg purse – makes funny sounds every time it opens.
The Aretha purse (Atlantic line) – holds all the right notes and some to spare.
The Meryl Streep purse – classy enough for Prada, versatile enough for deer hunting.
The Susan Sarandon purse – the more it ages, the better it looks.
The Richard Gere purse (100% fur) – we finally found what to do with gerbils.
The Jodie Foster purse – what’s inside is no business of yours.
The Summer blockbuster purse – stinks to high heavens but keeps all your money.
The Naomi Campbell purse – You’ll never lose your cell phone again.
The Chi Chi purse – not a chance of ever forgetting that one in a closet.
The 50 Cents purse – Get rich or die opening it.
The Ricky Martin purse – it’s not gay, it just looks that way.
The Dennis Lehane purse – prone to let stuff fall off your purse? With this one you’ll have to reach the very end to get the key.
The ‘budget-control’ Stephen King purse – You’re afraid to open it.
The Beast Easton Ellis purse – “It’s much deeper than it looks. No, really.”
The Jack Kerouak purse – Holds typewriter. Will travel.
The Phyllis Shlaffly purse – for banknotes only. Won’t accept any kind of change.
The Fred Phelps purse – it’s not how you open it, it’s how you shut it up.
The Johnny Hazzard purse – accessorized to match the Johnny Hazzard t-shirts. Please note that “medium” is really “large”: you can stuff it and stuff it and stuff it !
Well, that comment should light a fire under other contributors on Hazzard Ahead. It’s longer than the entry! Thank you, frog, for putting more thought into a response than most of us put into our retirement plan. That isn’t meant to sound sarcastic, I just can’t pull off sincerity all that well.
Retirement plan? What retirement plan?
Exactly!
Don’t forget the Chad Hunt purse – the biggest purse you can buy, or is that the Ben Andrews purse? Who the hell wants a purse that big anyway?
Angel, I passed your suggestion to Auntie Denise who gave it a big ‘no, no’. The reason? “You’re supposed to put your stuff INSIDE the purse, not put the purse inside your stuff.” I’m not exactly sure what she meant by that but she sounded like she knew what she was talking about.
I so want one of thos big blow up penises.
Frog, it seems your Auntie Denise was right, for now there are THREE endless purses, no matter how much stuff you put it, there is always room for more. They are available in the Drew Peters, Bret Wolfe, or Brandon Baker models.