Sunday, April 20th 2008
Now With Batteries
This isn’t all that comfortable for me to casually talk about, but I’ve been assured that it’s blogworthy news. A press release from Channel 1 Releasing on Monday announced the launch of an all new Johnny Hazzard sex toy – this time it vibrates. One of the selling points is that it was molded right from the source and all I can say is I’m glad they didn’t throw away the mold from the first time! That is an episode from my life I wouldn’t want in syndication. So for those of you interested in having your own little piece of me that is even better than the real thing, well in July you’ll get your chance.
In the same press release there was a big focus on my “comeback” to the adult world and other worlds that left me just a bit baffled. Jason Seacrest picked up the story for his column in Odyssey Magazine. I mean, just because I haven’t been in many releases lately doesn’t mean I’ve been on hiatus. My contract with Rascal is based on a certain number of scenes and let me tell you, those scenes will be shot come hell or high water! Anyway, it is kind of exciting to have the new big feature from C1R NAMED after me! That is cool. Oh yeah, my new movie is called Hazzard Zone. Presumably because it was filmed in a sex club called The Zone. And for the record, that was my first visit to that establishment. New video, new toy and other soon-to-be publicized newness are all coming together to make me feel rather new on the whole! More to follow very soon.
Touched for the very first time, eh?
By the way, I find it a bit unfair that you describe having your penis molded to make a dildo as an “episode” and then divulge little else. Tease!
I had always wondered if they take an actual cast of the dick, considering that the proportions of the finished product seem a bit “indulgent” compared to what is actually on the screen (disclaimer: I don’t actually own a dildo, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just saying, from what I’ve seen in sex shops and when I casually consider dildo shopping online).
I would have sworn there was an entry about the cock casting, but I can’t find it for the life of me. That was SO freaking long ago! I remember picking Johnny up from his hotel (those were the days) and asking him how the casting went. He didn’t want to talk about it then. Maybe it’s been long enough now that the residual trauma is bearable enough to regale us with the juicy details?
And you’re right, those clever dildo bastards are real geniuses when it comes to enlarging and enhancing the product. Johnny was definitely shocked when he saw the results for the first time. That’s why it may be, in some ways, better than the real thing. Mostly because the real thing is not very easy to get.
You had it coming…
The Real Thing
(Reflections on a golden, eye-opening appliance)
I do not care if it vibrates
Or if it quacks like a duckling
If it doubles as rollerskates
It’s nothing like the real thing!
It can vibrate, but can it sing?
And dance to the rhythm of swing?
You know if you ain’t got that schwing
It sure don’t mean the real thing
I don’t care what went in the mix
That hardened into this machine
If it’s shorter than five foot six
Doesn’t measure to the real thing
Size matters when it comes to kicks
(Mental ones, what were you thinking?)
Some are thicker than fifty sticks
But none are smart as the real thing!
I’m sure it’s great that it vibrates,
but can it cook a shrimp dumpling?
And know which wine goes with the steaks?
Otherwise give me the real thing!
What a big deal, so it vibrates
enough to prepare whipped cream?
If it cannot carry three plates
It’s hardly worth the real thing
Why should I care that it vibrates?
If it doesn’t serve me corn flakes
And hot coffee in the morning
It ain’t better than the real thing!
Anyway it is all sold out
Rita and hubby saw to that
That household must be buzzing
But, Jim, is it like the real thing?
OK, Frog. That is my favorite to date. I’m now wiping hot tea off of my computer screen.
Hey Frog,
How right you are! You know me … I collect Johnny the same way I collect any other toy. I have a couple of Johnny’s still in original packaging stored along with my Lord of Rings, Spider-Man and Harry Potter action figures!
(And how flattered I am that you thought to include me and my hubby in your final verse! XXOO!)
PS: Jerrod, I think a feature of Johnny creating his cast appeared in Unzipped. I’m not sure which year and month though. I know I have the issue. Let me know if you’d like me to track it down.
Well Rita, you know you and your hubby are the pepper in my steak sauce. It always adds that extra zing to a Johnny poem. But that’s nothing compared to the thought of the Johnny vibrator threatening Frodo. Tolkien was never that fun.
And let me answer for Jerrod. YES, we want that Unzipped issue. I can see the headline from here: “A good cast is worth repeating.”
It would be better to get the straight dirt from Johnny. I’m sure whatever was in Unzipped was the sugar coated version. He was not happy that day!
You should know even dirt can’t be straight with Johnny around.
Hi Johnny,
The brain being our biggest sexual organ, I’d rather rely on it for kicks than on a piece of rubber. A purely personal preference.
I’ve loved the few movies I’ve seen your work in. I recall an particular interrogation scene: never had a shirt and tie increased my heart rate in such manner before
The bedroom rape scene with the hooded burglar was unsettling: your eyes looked genuinely painful; it felt like a reminiscing personal experience of yours.
I’ll be watching more. I love your playfulness, honesty and authenticity.
All the best from France.
Don’t worry about press release jargon like “comeback.” That’s just someone trying to eek out as much press as possible.
Now if your next feature is something like “Sunset Bull of Hard” and you find yourself saying things like, “I’m ready for my closeup, Ms. LaRue,” all bets are off. LOL
XO,
Max
Not sure if it was anything like some of the ones I’ve witnessed, but Michael Brandon’s was very interesting!
Basically, you have to stay ROCK hard for a very long time and so they have to give your dick these injections of some medication (I should know that, but we don’t use it in the medical world… maybe I should though. lol). They’re quite painful, if I remember correctly… but it makes you stay rock hard and they can get a good cast.
Only… they never leave the size alone… for one, because they can’t get 100% of it in there. The bottom bit won’t form… and since a lot of people measure from below, you can’t get that… so they add. That, and a lot of the stars that have them think they look too small when they actually see their own dick in another form. At least, the ones I know.
I can only speak from experience.
Anyway… I’d really like to read that article though, so please share Jerrod?!?!
Word travels fast. Unzipped Magazine contacted me to do an interview on this. I just finished it today and judging from the turnaround I was given it should go to press very soon.
Hi Johnny,
Being a new Hazzardite has me catching up on all that is happening in Johnny Hazzard land. Just discovered you and your very entertaining blog after a recent trip to Chi Chi’s night spot Dirty Deeds. Can’t wait to check out the website, VOD’s and new movie, “Hazzard Zone”. I think I’ll throw a ‘Hazzard’ party for my first viewing of a Johnny Hazzard flick. Any suggestion on what to show first? Better order in a supply of Mezzaluna Vodka for the bash. Thanks, Your new fan, Nurse Vein
hott would def like to get one of those I will have to talk to my warehouse manager to find me one in july i got a couple of the first one you have made glad to hear about another one coming out
Welcome “Back”, although, like CHER, you never left!
I worked in an adult retail store in Boston, from 2000-2005, and Johnny’s signature replica dong was the hottest seller of ALL the lifelike ‘dill’s in the shop. Johnny, your likeness is being dipped into orifices of men and women of All lifestyles in MASSachusetts! I believe it’s because you’re “Just the Right Size”: not a teeny weenie; not a ‘Doorstop”.
Boy Wonder: you DO remember coverage of Johnny’s casting, but I never saw Johnny blog about it. Specialty Publications did a feature on the casting session in the “MEN OF RASCAL VIDEO” Special Edition magazine. ‘Dipping the wick’ in quick-set latex with straight male ‘casting’ experts, media, and others was probably not up there in the realms of “Bonerific Experiences”. Johnny, gotta give it up to you for getting the necessary “Wood” so that all of us can have a ‘piece’ of you to enjoy!
Peace, Pleasure, and the Pursuit of Happiness!
D. J. Perez