Friday, August 25th 2006
Live Your Life
Time for the wayback machine again. Back to a time in Johnny’s life that wasn’t so very pleasant for him (and not so thrilling for the rest of us either). Third party counseling, teenage angst, sibling rivalry – the works! I remember a lot from that time, especially a counselor telling us that we couldn’t/shouldn’t try to live our lives through our kids. (i.e. What you want for your children isn’t necessarily what they want for themselves.) Parents like to say things like, “I want you to go to college so you don’t have to dig ditches for the rest of your life” – “I want you to be successful” – “I want you to be happy”, etc., etc., etc. It’s a fine line to walk between guiding your child and driving him.
As stated in one of my older entries, I have been ‘geographically challenged’ and so was my husband. We planned to travel a lot, but obviously that never had a chance to happen. I thought about that the other day and realized how much Johnny and his brother have traveled for us. Carmen is exceptionally bright, very analytical, etc. At one time he worked as a technical expert for a micro-biology company. At a moment’s notice he’d be packing his luggage and taking off for a major hospital in the U.S. trouble-shooting for them. And now I look at Johnny traveling to God-knows-where doing his gigs and signings. This fall he’ll be on his way (with Sarah) to South Africa! Hello? I AM living my life through my children!
It’s hard to believe so many months have passed since Johnny and I drove up to Boston together. What a wonderful time we had! I would do it again in a nanosecond. Now the summer is practically gone and I haven’t made it back up there as planned. Why does it seem as though the more I want to take it easy, the more time flashes by? I’m in sales and my success is based on my customer service. They call, I respond! While I’m still dreaming about warm nights outdoors in P’town my local stores are already putting up their freakin’ holiday decorations! Give us a break!
Oh yeah, back to Johnny. Speaking of the holidays, since my husband and I always worked, Johnny, being the older of two sons, learned to be independent at a very early age. He fought hard enough not to go to “day care” after school so he was charged with heating up meals that I made on Sunday for the week. Funny how certain times stick in your mind – yet you tend to forget many others. During one of his Christmas breaks from school he was bored and called me at work. (Johnny and I are both “Type A” personalities, i.e. we have to be busy and have scheduled days or else we’re biting our elbows). So I told him to be adventurous and start making some Christmas cookies.
Every year I would make 100 dozen cookies and approximately 100 pounds of chocolates – hey, if I could get a head start on it, why not? So, I came home from work to find Johnny with cookie dough literally up to his elbows. Stifling a smile I asked him how he was doing with the recipe. “Man, these recipes that tell you to mix by hand are really hard, Ma.” We laugh about that to this day. Now, when a recipe calls for ‘mixing by hand’ he takes a spoon to the mix!
Recently Johnny lost a filling after 18 years. You wouldn’t believe it by looking at his beautiful face and body now, but he DID go through some terrible teenage years where your body just doesn’t cooperate with you. Dermatologists, dentists, orthodontists, etc. He would get so pissed about his teeth. Johnny would eat healthy – fruits, vegetables, avoid sweets, etc. and get cavities. His brother Carmen, on the other hand, would eat nothing but crap and thought that a toothbrush was only used to clean the cleats on his soccer shoes – and would NEVER have a cavity. Of course Johnny was the one who needed braces. The estimated cost (years ago) was approximately $3,700. Even though we didn’t have the hospitalization/medical coverage for that – you do what you can for your children. Johnny got braces and hated them from the first day. As time went on and Johnny continued to ‘beat his own drum’, getting him for his check-ups was grueling. I finally gave up. “Keep the damn wires on your teeth til you’re 45 years old for all I care – I couldn’t even get him to keep appointments! One day I even caught him with pliers (from his father’s tool chest) trying to pull them off! Ah, but look at him now! What a friggin’ beautiful smile!
Fall is around the corner – my favorite time of the year! Wonderful sunny days – no humidity (at least here in Ohio) and nights that you keep the windows open and get under the covers. If you’re lucky – you’ve got someone to cuddle with; if not, be glad you’ve had another day to enjoy! My best to all you Hazzard Ahead readers, I hope you had (are having) a great summer!
Ma Hazzard, I always enjoy reading your postings. Your ability to create beautiful literary works through piecing words together never ceases to amaze me. Have you ever considered becoming a freelance writer?
The special connection that you and Johnny share is also amazing. Reading about this connection is bittersweet because my mother and I will never realize this kind of close-knit relationship. Although I opened up to my mother about who I am, she has never once acknowledged the real me. Things are even worse where my father is concerned. If he ever discovered the “real me” my life would undoubtedly come to an end. That’s why I enjoy reading about situations that are different from my own. It helps to keep my own heart from hardening. I also think you should know that your son (and his Webmaster) is/are hero(s). This blog provides individuals like myself a place to truly be themselves, if only for a small moment in time. Fortunately, school begins next week and I will find myself one semester closer to a new world far removed from the mountains and intolerance.
Thanks so much for sharing your Johnny stories with us. And what wonderful images your provided! I think one of the coolest things Johnny’s done with this blog was getting you to contribute. Cheers!
LIT – I must say that after a long week of not really giving a damn about much, your words have blown a nice breeze up my skirt. While we are pleased that so many people enjoy spending a few moments here during the week; it is especially fulfilling for us to know that the experience is much more for you.
It isn’t easy for those of us knee-deep in the queer meccas to understand the trials of multi-tiered isolation. So thank you for reminding us of how well we have it and also for letting us know we help somehow. Sometimes it feels like we’re spinning our wheels, you know?
I know Jerrod; it has been hard to give a damn about much this week considering Pluto was booted from the planetary alliance. (I really have not thought twice about Pluto. I swear!) There is always much to care about if you look hard enough. I think you should treat yourself with an evening at home spent watching Family Guy while dining on Tostinos Pizza Rolls! That always makes me feel better.
Jerrod, what the hell are you doing in my spleen. This was supposed to be *my* week for not giving a damn.
Robert, what can I say. I still don’t know what some people mean when they talk about ‘lifestyle’. (They’re also the ones who are quick with ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ in the grand tradition of People Who Really Know What They’re Talking About.)
If there is anything that comes close to a lifestyle in the young years of being gay, it’s learning to survive isolation, silence, lies by omission and worse. I suspect the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” was, like all things fashionable, first uttered by some gay.
At least it gives you incentive to move your ass and do something with your life instead of just accepting the status quo.
In the down times, picture yourself one year from now, two years from now. Hell, make a mental list of what you will pack on the day you finally get out of Tennessee, and all the shit you’ll leave behind. It’s better than Prozac and more constructive too.
As for parents… Gay or straight, I think the first 20 years of our lives are devoted to make our parents accept us for who we are. The next 20 are usually devoted to accepting our parents for who they are
(BTW Ma Hazzard, will you talk to my mom please? And tell her about that counsellor? She still doesn’t get it sometimes…)
(I forgot to mention one essential component for all parties involved in those 20 years spans: love, that goes without saying, but also a sense of humor will see you through many, many things. Even if not everyone sees the joke.)
The frog is back!!! I think your ideology is wise. Yet, it would be amazing if we had a homeland. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think an internationally accepted document exists which mandates all peoples should have a safe place to call their own. Those of us that identify as something less than straight could truly benefit from such an arrangement.
Frog, as far as my mother is concerned, I cannot effectively explain her cause. She is not a religious individual. People who identify as gay or lesbian have always been well represented within her pool of friends. She has even spoken out against bigots such as Dr. Laura. I just naturally assumed her gay son would receive the biggest coming out party ever known to mankind, but there were no cakes (not even a balloon). She more or less said ok and my sexual orientation has remained invisible ever since. I don’t ever see my father finding out. I stand by my previous words: He would honestly attempt to end my life. I would be compelled to defend more than just my honor. There is no basis for his feelings towards homosexuality. In fact, his position is deeply shrouded in a sea of irony the depths of which are truly imperceptible.
Ma Hazzard would make the greatest counselor ever. However, I would take things one-step further. I wish Ma Hazzard would adopt me!!!
Sorry, this is probably going to be a long, long post. I mean, even by my standards.
Robert, such homelands exist. Yours is called America, mine is called France. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. (Unless they offer to pay your taxes for you. Maybe.)
I understand how the idea of a “gay homeland” might seem seductive to you at this stage. Speaking from the luxury of a big and overall accepting city, I relish the concept of diversity. I’m not sure I would survive in a country where gym attendance is mandatory and the national anthem sung by Streisand.
Ok, unfunny cliches. What I mean is, as thrilling the ‘gay world’ can be, it also would get very boring very quickly if you had to live in one 24/7. For a small town boy no doubt it must seem at first like Alice’s Wonderland but even she had to wake up at some point. Mixing with people of different persuasions, orientations, races, cultures… is the salt of life. (Diversity also means confronting and being confronted with what one wouldn’t originally ‘understand’ or ‘accept’ – on either side. Acceptance sometimes needs to be shocked into people. It can even be fun.)
Anyway, you don’t want to give anyone an excuse to conclude their homophobic rant with a ‘Go back to your country if you don’t like it.’ You want to come back with “It steps off my lawn or it gets the hose.”
I said it was going to be a long post…
Robert, I really feel for you, regarding the parents situation. Maybe your mother needs a period of adjustment. She may be used to the idea of gays but less so to the idea of a gay son. Or just the idea of a son with a sex life – I assume that, prior to your coming out, you were rather discreet around her on the subject of your private life. She may be unprepared to deal with you as an adult on, well, adult subjects.
As for your father – what you wrote is heartbreaking. I can only hope you’re wrong but whether you are or not, it’s chilling enough that you believe it. For what it’s worth I’d share with you a rather moving and unexpected coming-out story (not mine) but it’s a long one and it’s late here and I’m nodding off as I type.
Anyway, I agree with you Ma Hazzard would make a great counselor. We already know what a great mom she is, from the way Johnny speaks about her as well as from the way she speaks of him. I suspect she also would make a great friend.
Frog, you are once again proving to be omnipotent with respect to wisdom. You gave me new perspective especially where the birth giver is concerned. Yet, my mother can rest assured because her son does not have anything that remotely resembles a sex life. If a volcano were threatening Tennessee’s existence I could be used as a human sacrifice to end its fiery reign of terror. My purity is no longer cute and endearing, not even to myself!!! I really need to hire an escort. I am completely off subject, my apologies.
Purity is always endearing. Though not necesseraly while you’re its subject. But this is something you understand as you shed it by the years. Enjoy what goes with it: dreams that may or may not measure up, and what reality will bring by and by.
(This is positively the last time I post while ’slightly’ intoxicated…)