Hazzard Ahead
Johnny Hazzard Blog

Monday, February 19th 2007

If He’s Harpo, I Must Be Lucy

Posted by Johnny

Tampa was cool, really cool. It was one of those gigs that had no expectations. My only requirement was to have fun and that was not a problem. Hanging with my cousin was the highlight without question. He was more into my gig than I was. This was work after all, well sort of, and to him, well I don’t know what it was, but he had an absolute blast. Seeing him so excited about what I do and hearing from him that he tells his friends about me made me feel really good. I think he may even return to G Bar on his own and he even mentioned that he would like to work there. I don’t know if he remembers that, but if he did he would do quite well; he is quite the looker.

Unfortunately this time around you will not be able to see him. I was not about to drag my expensive camera along to this gig. That was a mistake. Not only was I bummed that I could not get a picture of us or the club or the night or, well, let me backtrack a bit.

About a year ago it came to my attention that someone named Vince was sporting a Hazzard emblem tattoo on his opposite shoulder. I did not know whether we had the same artist (which would have really pissed me off) or he purposefully chose to have my tattoo as his own. Either way you sliced the pie the filling was still spoiled. So pan over to the bar Saturday night and I am well into my buzz with my cousin and his buddy when this dude stops up and says hello. He was handsome and looked harmless so I returned the salutation. With that he lifted his shirt and there was my emblem. I was completely dumbfounded. I also noticed that all my ill feelings toward him had left or maybe I was buzzed well enough that nothing was getting me down. After chatting with him for a bit and seeing how excited he was to see me (and finding out that he drove an hour just to see me) there was no way I could harbor any negativity towards the guy. Besides that he was HOT – really HOT! And we all know that always helps any situation. He was so hot that I kissed him, three times. At least now I know that the man can tongue wrestle really well.

Imitation is really the best form of flattery. It was most enjoyable to meet him and it felt nice to be emulated in that way. I suppose though if he had not been the super sweet man he was and was some rabbit cooker with intentions other than to meet and make out with me than I would have had to call security. But he wasn’t. On stage when I was doing my number I was really “feeling it” and I made out with this ADORABLE girl on stage after she gave me a 5 in my crotch. Then Vince came up with nothing but a smile and that was OK. He got a kiss too – a big one!

That probably wasn’t a good choice because that sent a message to the crowd that Johnny would kiss for a dollar. And let me tell you, that is NOT the case! The crowd surged forward waving dollars back and forth with their tongues wagging about. I was instantly taken back to “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi” when Princess Leia strangled Jabba the Hut and that brown pasty tongue of his popped out of his mouth all covered with spit and whatnot. I was not feeling it so much then and was looking for a way out. I contemplated feigning a seizure just to escape the salivating men that were collecting in front of the stage. Luckily the manager sensed my troubles and announced that I would be in the back signing autographs. I thought I would be safe back there away from horny masses. I should have known better.

In the back of the room the guys who weren’t in the front of the stage had a chance to ask me for a kiss directly with no barrier and no Vince or cute girl. I really could not believe that they thought this was acceptable. I gave a couple of guys a peck on the cheek, much to their chagrin, but it was better than my usual “No, I will not give you a kiss.” That was a good lesson to learn, reserve the self-indulging behavior for before and after the stage show. It was fun though. My hangover was not. I drank a lot of water all night but it wasn’t enough to curb the headache from dehydration and the shots of peach Jaggermeister that were freely dispensed to Joe and me.

Of course the flight from Tampa to Atlanta was THE WORST. I was in the middle of two large men that were spilling over their seats. One was so big that the armrest was hurting him so he lifted it, thus pouring his slack into my lap and onto my shoulder. I prayed to God that we didn’t have to wait for any reason and that we took off and landed without a hitch. My prayers were answered, 74 mins later I was pulled out from under the flesh that had consumed me in 18E. The next flight was less constricted and I got a window seat and had a recovery nap because I still had to drive from LAX to Palm Springs. That sort of excessive, uninhibited drinking is not a good idea when one has to fly on two planes across the country unless one is in first class. Lessons lived. Lessons learned the hard headache way.



23 Comments for this post

 
Lost in Tennessee Says:

Johnny, this last posting has left me questioning your sexual orientation. Any clarification you provide would be appreciated.

 
Johnny Says:

You have got to be kidding me!

You know what, just because I kiss a girl or kiss a guy or even a dog, does it matter either way?

I fuck guys on film and off… I kiss guys on film and off… and sometimes Robert, I will kiss a girl. I love boxers, you might hear me writing about them too but let me nip that one in the bud right quick for you to save us both some time and energy… I am not into the “dog” scene.

Seriously, there has got to be something else more deserving of our time don’t you think?

 
Rita PHL Says:

Greetings Johnny … just now checking out your posting. I’m tucked inside a nice dark Philadelphia bar called, I think, MugClub, Happy Hour prices are $2 frosted pints. Just my price. Also, they feature free internet access, compliments of their upstairs tenant Todd, (the one with the black cap). Anywho, I’m reading your post, and… gee… I don’t know if it’s all the $2 frosted pints or what … but, dude, did you just admit to kissing a chick? Good for you angel heart! I’ll have another frosted pint in your honor.

 
Joej888 Says:

“sexual orientation” ? that’s funny, you know what, I never have any problem with Johnny’s “orientation”.

Johnny, I feel the same way with you. I kiss girl too! And, I am gay. But don’t tell me that the reason YOU kiss a girl is you are straight. I’m kidding of course! You are not straight, right? OK,That’ll calm me down.

By the way, having read this blog, I have to say you live in an exciting world that is full of joy and fun! I just feel a little jealous ~ My world is awful! I have to study day and night because I am a student in high school! Reading your words is one of my entertainments everyday! Even sometime there is no new things to read, I would listen to DEEPER INTO YOU instead of reading.

 
the frog Says:

Damn you, Johnny. Now Lassie and Rin Tin Tin feel you’ve been leading them on all this time.

 
Johnny Says:

I did kiss a girl, several times to be exact.
Love knows no gender why should a little pleasure I ask?
Hey Joe….I would not want to be you; high school was not the best time for me. Its only 4 years and in the grand scheme….a blink. Thanks for tuning in buddy.
What’s the frosty pint Rita? (drooling)

 
Genor Says:

Frog, I absoultely… absoLUTely l o v e you! I laugh my ass off every time I read your witty comments. fuck, you are funny.

I am going to make myself vulnerable by asking this next question, but heck, why not. Peach Jaggermeister? Peach Jaggermeister! Where the hell have I been? Why have I never heard of this? And do I dare even taste it? Only my TWO most favorite flavors. And together? Hmmm…

One of my favorite memories is of pitchers of peach cider at the Fig & Haley in SB. I have never found a bar that serves pitchers of the stuff since. If anyone can hep me out there, please let me know.

Last question… Johnny, would you maybe consider kissing a girl dog? (that would be a bitch!)

 
Joej888 Says:

Ok, call me Joe, you don’t need to put some “…” behind. I think that is a little weird. By the way, I don’t like high school either. In other words, I hate it… Anyway, I would want to be you!

 
Johnny Says:

I had not heard of Peach Jagger until that night and let me tell you…..it packs a whollup!
Exercise extreme caution!

 
the frog Says:

Thanks Genor, I love to be absoultely loved :-) Wanna hook up? Just a small intimate thing, you know, candlelit dinner, Scrabble on the rug by the fire, and you and me and Snoopy…

 
Boy Wonder Says:

Is “Snoopy” what you call it? ha ha ha

 
the frog Says:

*glares at BW*
Not everyone or everything can be called “Chaos”.

 
Rita PHL Says:

Hey Johnny … in the frosty pint was a lager from local brewery Yuengling, (America’s oldest brewery). You should make a point to partake next time you’re in town!

 
Nightsister Says:

Oh Johnny, how I adore you. Only you can throw out a geeky Star Wars reference and still manage to make it sound funny and cool!

But seriously, I also think you’re picking up tons of karma points for the way you act (and react) to certain situations. I know I saw that “other” tattoo and went “WTF?!” but I have to say you handled it with a lot of class.

 
Joej888 Says:

You guys totally “messed my mind up”.

Boy Wonder, I don’t get it, I don’t know what does “Snoopy” stand for!!!! Can you explain it? Pleasssssse!

 
Genor Says:

If laughter is good medicine, I am a well man thanks to you, Frog. When I read your Snoopy remark I laughed so hard peach jaggermeister came out my nose.

 
Boy Wonder Says:
Snoopy

Joe – Snoopy is a cartoon character that has been around for many, many years. He has delighted children in the U.S. along with his sidekick “Woodstock” for generations.

 
the frog Says:

Well THANK YOU for getting the reference, Genor! Joe’s query just made me feel so old all of a sudden :-(

 
the frog Says:

And BTW Joe, don’t let Boy Wonder lead you astray. “Snoopy” is coded term among men over 20 for a certain form of activity, like “nooky” or “makin’ whoopee”, involving the pouring of peach jaggermeister from one orifice to the other and back.

 
Joej888 Says:

Duh~ Boy Wonder, thank you for the excellent explaination of SNOOPY and thanks for the pic, BUT I do know what Snoopy is, what I don’t know is the “deeper” meaning of it (you know, in Frog’s comment):-)

I didn’t make the question clearly, sorry~

 
Joej888 Says:

Thank you Frog,and Is it cool if I want to know wheather you are American?I saw you can read Franch in your early comment.That’s cool!

 
the frog Says:

As my name indicates, Joe, I’m French. (If you don’t get it, ask Boy Wonder. He’s into animals.)

 
neir19 Says:

Boy Wonder you are hilarious.. That reply was great.. The sad part is that you left woodstock out of the pic. :( .. he’s my favorite!

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