Hazzard Ahead
Johnny Hazzard Blog

Friday, February 16th 2007

The White Zone Is For…

Posted by Johnny

Now seated on a Delta flight bound for Tampa I can honestly say this is the highest I have ever been while making a blog entry. In Tampa I will be performing at a club called “G Lounge” but the real excitement for me will be seeing my cousin Joe for the first time in about 12 years. Our family had a ridiculous argument that resulted in a division on my mom’s side that left some of the cousins at a loose end. The kid has grown up and is one of the most well adjusted 25-year-olds that I have ever seen. He reminds me of myself at that age! Well, give or take a few minor details…

It amazes me that after all the hype about “Homeland Security” and all the airport dramas with restrictions on shampoo and mouthwash that people still carry on as if they’ve never flown before; much less switched on the news this century. I mean how do people expect to walk up to a METAL DETECTOR with about a pound of metal distributed on them from head to toe in the name of fashion? I heard the attendant exclaim twice in a very slow, condescending tone “You are walking through a metal detector that detects metal, please remove all metal objects.”

When it came to my turn I had my lap top removed and placed in its own basket – just like the numerous signs indicated it should be. I had removed my shoes, even though they were flip flops (what else?). There was no metal on me anywhere and all I had in my hands was my boarding pass. The woman in front of me had missed the signs and apparently the last two years. She shuffled up to the detector clad in armor; a belt that wrapped around her waist four times, and several bracelets on each of her wrists. She had not removed her shoes or the shoes of her offspring that was drooling onto the floor. I knew exactly what was going to happen as if I were watching a TV show that I had seen a thousand times again.

She was asked to remove her gladiator issued belt, her shoes, accessories and the slobbering child from her person and put them all through the X ray. He asked her to put he child through just for fun and in the hopes to disarm the disgruntled people that were standing behind her barefoot waiting for her to comply with TSA regulations. She was not amused although I sure as hell was. She, of course, did not have her boarding pass with her as she went through the detector and had to flag down her equally unaware husband who had her pass in his back pocket. It would be so great if people could get it together just enough to stop impeding my every move.

On my way to the terminal I came across a man with those wireless Bluetooth headphones that double as a phone. He was talking to somebody jokingly in the middle of the walkway, pacing back and forth, laughing and smiling. He was dressed rather outlandishly with sunglasses on and he looked like he was a shizophrenic comedian. I sat down behind him on a bench and had my morning coffee watching all the people walking past him with confused and sometimes alarmed looks on their faces. I don’t know why they looked that confused or concerned, this was after all LA.

Hopefully this gig in Florida will be fun. At least I know I’ll have a great time catching up with my cousin. I’m a bit fed up with traveling for now and look forward to getting back home again. This time for more than a few days.



9 Comments for this post

 
the frog Says:

So THAT’s why the Tinman followed that damn yellow brick road while others were flying Wicked West Airlines. That movie suddenly makes more sense.

Johnny, haven’t you ever been tempted to write short stories about the weird and the wonderful you encounter on your travels? It’s been months and I still can’t get the “mother-daughter unit with canine schizophrenia” out of my head. Then again you’d have to work hard to retain suspension of disbelief with such outlandish characters: Such is the paradox of fiction that in order to be believed, it can’t always afford to be as crazy as real life.

 
Joej888 Says:

Last time I went to England, I just sufferred from the same thing as yours in the airport. You know the “security” thing. The guy in front of the guy in front of me took a long time! And it drove me crazy! I just stood there waiting and waiting. By the way,
Forgive me gramma, I’m not a English speaker.

 
Johnny Says:

Perhaps one day I will have the good fortune of having a publishing company make an offer much like Carrie’s on “Sex and the City.”

It is a good idea, and I try and write my entries around some sort of humor. The funny thing is that they are always true!

 
neir19 Says:

yep… I hear you on this… When I flew out to Phoenix, this lady in front of me refused to take off her bracelets, and necklace. She said it was a gift from her sister, and that she shouldn’t have to remove it…. I stood in line for about 15 minutes waiting on her, and finally asked the security guard if there was any chance they could argue with her to the side, so that the rest of us could get on with our lives… He just smiled at me, and moved to the side… I was pretty irritated…

 
Rita PHL Says:

Not one to tell tales out of school … oh, who am I kidding … but my dearest hubby just had an ‘ahem ‘experience while going through an airport metal detector. Seems he neglected to remove his PRINCE ALBERT. Fortunately, he’s pretty good at quickly removing it, and didn’t have to be subjected to a strip search. Folks did have a laugh though watching a grown man play in his pants like a three-year old.

 
Boy Wonder Says:

Rita – That story has all the elements of a good porn story! Except the security personnel were hideous I’m sure. *sigh* Strip searches rarely live up to our expectations.

 
the frog Says:

Rita, your husband has a… Prince Albert??? Does he know there’s a line between gay-friendly and upstaging us bitches?

I’m beginning to suspect the Johnny dildo was a X-mas present from you to him, not the other way round ;-)

 
aalex Says:

I LOVE U JOHNNY !!

 
DarkWarrior-413 Says:

Rita, May you and your husband play nice for a long, long, long time!!

Johnny – you mean, “… play out like our fantasies!” don’t you :-) )

Now casting as “Night Flight Check-In” Security Personnel: F. D’Macho, Cole Ryder, Huessein, Jake Deckard, F. Sagat. Johnny, you don’t need to get a P.A. Just have fun with the cast above!

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