Hazzard Ahead
Johnny Hazzard Blog

Friday, November 30th 2007

Thanksgiving Part 2

Posted by Johnny

Thanksgiving at work had been a real joy so far. Bad manners, cheap guests and disappointment abounded and it was far from over. The owner of the hotel came in with a party of six. The staff were nervous right away because he can be very demanding and a bit rude. I had no fear and welcomed the challenge. It didn’t matter that half of his party, on arrival of the first course, demanded something else. Why should it irk me that the menu was ignored and the food rejected after it had been prepped and served? It was my job to serve and I was determined to do so, and well.

Worry not, we can stop everything. Ignore the other 200 patrons enjoying their fixed menu fare so we can make YOU your fucking iceberg wedge you ungrateful, tacky, prick! The owner requested that his favorite wines be served, a 1986 Chateau Haut Brion; a top of the line Bordeaux that we sell for the modest price of $540. The white was a Louis Latour Montrachet; one of the finest white Burgundies ever for the same price. It kills me when someone with good taste has no manners to match. It has been told to me by several upper management persons that this restaurant is nothing to him except a place for his ungrateful, demanding tennis club friends to hang out and belittle the staff. How nice for them that they have a place to go to feel good. So glad we are here for them.

There was some controversy over the location of the second bottle of Bordeaux when the bill came. The owner had been knocking them back like Pellegrino.

I calmly explained that the first bottle had finished well before the second course and since both were on the table I saw no need to interrupt him with a useless question like “Shall I open the second bottle?” when it was clearly there for consumption not decoration. He spoke to me like I was the first participant in an underprivileged youth work exchange program. Let me just say that condescension from such a pretentious dolt is a real boost. It very nearly made up for missing the holiday with my mom.

The bill came to a little over two large. He left me two Ben Franklins and change. The staff were pooling our tips that day so he didn’t just fuck me – he fucked his entire team. People that gave up their holiday to serve sub par food to a bunch of arrogant, entitled, thankless bastards and for what? Ten percent? A party of six at IHOP has 18% added to the bill.

I was a little bummed, but glad to see early on what kind of man I was working for. I was also very glad that while I was decanting the bottle of Bordeaux I saved enough for a huge glass that I shared with the servers through the night. Now that’s what I call holiday spirit!



14 Comments for this post

 
the frog Says:

So you ARE working for Miranda Pristley after all, or is it the Overlook Hotel? My advice: keep a huge supply of humor in your back pocket, ignore creepy twin girls’ invitations to come and play with them in corridors and avoid elevators at all cost, especially if you’re wearing white.

If this was a horror movie, that boss and his obnoxious party would be the first to go in gruesome and painful ways. In real life however, you can only be grateful that a year from now, or however long it takes, this asshole will be out of your life forever and ever, but he will be stuck in his loathsome self for the rest of his life.

Of course, this not being a movie, there are few chances he ever sees himself as the CCC (Creepy Crawling Creature) that he is, but Karma always finds a way to fix this in the long run…

 
PlanetTelex1980 Says:

I think everyone should serve a mandatory stint in the service industry just so they can develop a sense of “server empathy.” I always hated waiting on big parties. I play better to intimate crowds – 2 tops were my specialty. I guess adding gratuity isn’t an option when you’re waiting on the owner of the hotel.

Whenever I encounter douche bags of that proportion, I secretly smile knowing that they must hate themselves on some level. A lack of satisfaction with oneself has a way of manifesting itself as a lack of satisfaction with one’s surroundings.

If anything though, dealing with different shades of douche bag throughout my years as a waiter and a bartender taught me how to size up people more quickly and accurately. I’m not talking about judging people, because that involves sentencing them and possibly mistreating them.

It’s easier to predict just how douchey some douche bags can be by the archetype of their doucheyness.

Sounds like this guy was the worst kind of douche bag – the cheap kind.

 
the frog Says:

On a totally unrelated note, I’d like to send a huge THANK YOU to Boy Wonder, and also to PlanetTelex. No I haven’t won an Academy Award but following their advice, I’ve just seen a movie that should win several if there were any justice “Across The Universe”.

If you liked Velvet Goldmine, you’ll love this. If you didn’t, you’ll still love this. This is what the movie version of Hair should have been and failed to be. In short: go and see it. You won’t be sorry.

And if you don’t, I’ll be sorry for you cause you won’t even know what you’ve missed.

Sorry for hijacking the thread, Johnny. I just had to say it. (Oh and this goes for you too!)

 
the frog Says:

“A lack of satisfaction with oneself has a way of manifesting itself as a lack of satisfaction with one’s surroundings.”

PlanetT, I’ve recently realized how true that is, especially after spending a holiday with a group of friends, one of which acted like he was Bette Davis and we all were Joan Crawfords. That’s why I try to be a nicer person these days :-)

What you call your secret smile I call my inner ID. It’s like a regular ID in the sense that you should never be out without it, but what it really stands for is “Instant Duck” : whenever someone starts spitting venom in your direction, get those inner feathers out and let it all roll off your back.

Then sit back in your mind and watch them build all that negative energy into their next ulcer.

 
Rita PHL Says:

Argh … restaurant owners and their assholery attitudes. You should have pulled a Shug Avery and spit in his wine glass.

Back to you Frog … you have such great taste in movies. I loved Julie Taymore’s TITUS, and very much been looking forward to ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

 
the frog Says:

Oh God Rita (or should that be Goddess Rita?) I’m gonna do a Boy Wonder on you (relax, it doesn’t involve rubbing stubbles.) I won’t rest until you’ve seen the damn movie and then we want a full report. You’re going to LOVE it!!!

 
Johnny Says:

I guess it was your last comment Frog about that Katie Holmes movie “Pieces of April”
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
An all time favorite. I totally forgot about it! That would have been a great rental but I still would have watched “Six Feet Under”

 
the frog Says:

Well nothing beats Six Feet Under, on a small or a big screen. I only mentioned it to get your attention.

That doesn’t mean you’re off the hook regarding Across The Universe.

(Coming up on Hazzardahead: “Invasion of the ATU People”: “Website members fall under the spell of a mysterious movie that turns them into obsessed zombies one by one.” Directed by R.Kurosawa and starring N.Kidman because she saw a light on the set and came in through the bathroom window.)

 
PlanetTelex1980 Says:

Hey Frog, thanks for the recommendation on “Pieces of April.” Finally got around to watching it this past weekend. I was delighted to see Patricia Clarkson pop up as the mom. She’s brilliant in Six Feet Under too (”Did it hurt your feelings when I said maybe you’re not an artist? If you said I was purple, I’d laugh”).
Something about the title “Pieces of April” seemed weird to me until I did some sleuthing and realized it was the title of a Three Dog Night song. I don’t recall hearing the song in the movie, but there were plenty of great Magnetic Fields tunes droning in the background while she tried to cook that damn turkey.
“The only movie Katie Holmes doesn’t suck in” seems a bit harsh though. I thought she was really good in “Thank You for Smoking” as the slutty conniving journalist who would backstab anyone to further career. Or how about in “The Gift” where she gets chained to the bottom of a lake?

 
the frog Says:

Okay, PlanetT, I admit I may be a bit harsh and probably biased against Miss Holmes. I was impressed by her debut in “The Ice Storm” where she reminded me of Katharine Ross circa The Graduate. Then Tom Cruise happened and all of a sudden she’s Katharine Ross in The Stepford Wives. Mouthing “happy, happy, happy” through a frozen smile while her eyes are screaming “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!”

Of course, for all we know it’s the real thing. In either case, talk about sucking at the performance of a lifetime.

On the plus side, she was really good as the corpse in The Gift. (Actually I don’t remember much about her performance or the movie, except that, through no fault of her own, you could spot her murderer almost from the first frame.) Oh and you’ve made me want to see “Thank You For Smoking” so I’ll check it out.

On the other side of the spectrum, Patricia Clarkson is one actress who, like Julianne Moore, blew me away from the very first time I saw her. She is utterly convincing in every part she plays, like she’s lived and breathed the character her whole life. Just saw her fascinating performance opposite Peter Sarsgaard (my Everlasting Crush) in “The Dying Gaul” – a potential masterpiece, literally wrecked by its terrible ending.

 
the frog Says:

YEP! Across the Universe just got a Golden Globe nomination for best musical! It’s facing tough competition (from Tim Burton among others) but still, maybe it can hope for something come Oscar time.

On a sadder yet not completely unrelated note, Ike Turner died. So he wasn’t exactly husband material. Still, one of the greats who made me love soul music. Feeling black & blues *sighs* RIP.

 
PlanetTelex1980 Says:

Sadly, I think the only Oscar “Across the Universe” stands to get nominated for is Best Art Direction. The Academy just doesn’t take movies like that seriously. After seeing “No Country For Old Men” last night though, there’s no doubt in my mind that it’ll be nom’d for Best Picture. It’s definitely one of those movies that’s better to see alone, unfettered by anyone else’s thoughts or reactions. You truly have to experience it. I left the theater with a heavy dose of nihilistic creepiness that I still haven’t shaken.

As for Ike–if there is a heaven–I’m sure he and James Brown are swapping stories right now over a line of blow.

 
astara13 Says:

Sorry it’s been so long since I dropped by. Don’t forget Johnny… when you come back to Ohio for Christmas… we have to get together for lunch!

 
dudekissme Says:

No updates sexyman? c’mon Thanksgiving is long past!

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