Secrets
I’m terrible at keeping secrets. And I have a REALLY good one right now. it’s KILLING me, but I know it’s better to take a Xanax and just let things play out. Ooooooooo - you’re gonna LOVE it! Even Johnny is unaware as he undoubtedly slumbers sweetly in Boston.
The good news is Johnny and I racked up a nice amount of media content during his stay here in LA. The bad news is I am going to s-t-r-e-t-c-h it out because 1. I’m busier than the free clinic after Valentine’s Day and 2. I feel responsible to ration out the goodies for our fair fans here at Hazzard Ahead. In that order, of course.
It’s been a commenting frenzy here today. Luckily I was just in the mood to slack off at the office or nobody would be the wiser. Uh hem, I said SLACK off! I haven’t masturbated at work since my birthday in 2004. Ah yes, the egg white days - if only my coworkers knew what went on in that supply cupboard! ha ha ha
I owe a shout out to my good buddy Ginno in East Meadow, NY today. My boy finally received some recognition for being the adorable stud-in-progress I have known him to be all along. Apparently my inappropriate and unfounded internet flirting was not enough. 
August 15th, 2006 at 8:04 AM
Jerrod, I suppose web master(bator) would be a more appropriate title for yourself. Did you ever get busted then or ever? My grandmother caught me once. She actually opened the bathroom door! However, I did learn valuable lessons from this embarrassing experience. First, self-gratification is best accomplished at night between the sheets. Finally, my grandmother does not respect the boundaries of a closed door. When visiting grandma I always keep that one in mind.
Your post has all the trappings of an erotic story. Chi Chi could do wonders with this sort of content. I imagine cameras following around hot, gas station attendants at work. When the boss is not looking these excitable men can’t resist the temptation to touch themselves. All we need now is a title. How about Pumping for Pleasure?
Looks come naturally to you. So, keep up the wit and I’m sure you will woo this man. By the way, are you sure you did not mean affordable rather than adorable? Wait a minute, we’re solving your problems not my own.
August 15th, 2006 at 12:25 PM
Jerrod, I feel that Hazzard Ahead readers, yourself included, should realize that self-gratification comes at a price:
August 15th, 2006 at 5:46 PM
First of all, I have never been some sort of serial workplace wanker. If I don’t get the urge working for a gay porn studio it certainly wasn’t going to happen any other place unless something REALLY unusual was going on. Like, oh I don’t know, being really high during office hours perhaps?
Secondly, no I didn’t get caught. I am far too terrified of such an event and took many precautions. I did, however, get caught by my grandmother once while giving my cousin a cursory anal examination.
August 15th, 2006 at 7:32 PM
So, this is the drama I’m hit with when I don’t post early? Boyz … I feel like Mama comin’ home and findin’ a mess. Fed-up! Now, BW in your corner and LIT, oh Christ, just stand there.
1. “Secrets” - BW, have I told you lately how evil you are? Instant gratification takes too long!
2. “God Kills a Kitten” - LIT, I think you’ve hit on the perfect political campaign platform.
Now, gentleman, as you were.
August 15th, 2006 at 7:36 PM
BTW BW, I will comment on the incestuous cursory anal examination just after I finish this case of Coors Lite and five years of psychotherapy.
August 15th, 2006 at 10:24 PM
Rita - I see what you mean. My goal was to clarify the situation, not ruffle any feathers. I happen to enjoy LIT’s contributions. That photo is hilarious - an internet classic!
Coors Lite? Really? I would have pegged you as a tequila girl for sure!
August 16th, 2006 at 8:33 AM
Boywonder, I just realized I failed to harass you about your secret. It must be quite shocking if you are taking Xanax to get your tongue seizure under control. So, Johnny does not know this tantalizing piece of information? I am frightened now. I am hoping this secret did not involve you, Johnny, and a roofie.
August 16th, 2006 at 8:35 AM
Rita, I think we can forgive our kinky Webmaster. At least he was “playing proctologist” with his cousin rather than a brother. Better yet, his grandma did not join in on the fun. Wow, and I’m the one residing in the state of Tennessee!
Rita, I would find it fascinating if you revealed how you discovered Johnny. I have heard of straight men objectifying lesbians but heterosexual women objectifying gay men is knew to me. Correct me if I am wrong. In a previous post you mentioned being married. If so, how does your husband feel about your appreciation of Mr. Hazzard? I am also under the impression your husband has not seen Johnny in action (unless you happen to be in a marriage of convenience). As a result, do you have massive parties with all of your female friends gathered around the flat screen?
August 16th, 2006 at 8:42 AM
“…”
[trying hard to remain quiet while patiently awaiting gory details regarding the incestuous cursory anal examination story]
August 16th, 2006 at 9:06 AM
Imagine if Jerrod “secretly knew” that Chi Chi LaRue was going to randomly select a Hazzard Ahead member to costar alongside Johnny in an upcoming film. Throw in Jason Crew and what we would have would be nothing short of a miracle
August 16th, 2006 at 1:33 PM
OK, lesson learned. No open-ended comments intended to generate revulsion and entertainment simultaneously. The examination incident was quite innocent and utterly non-sexual. We were just little kids playing dress up with our bath towels and things took an interesting turn. Sorry, boys and girls.
My secret was the first rough edit of an erotic/glamour video Johnny shot while he was in LA. It is SO beautiful I could hardly stand waiting to show Johnny. He saw it, he peed his pants and there you go. Secret out.
No partner contest, no Jason Crew - just Johnny.
August 16th, 2006 at 7:08 PM
Oh my god - Ginno is so cute! If only he had a few more inches… up top, I mean! Then again, it’s been so long since either of my holes has been plugged I just might make an exception. Is that so wrong?
August 16th, 2006 at 7:08 PM
Lesson learned: Next time you want them to tell a secret, threaten to kill a kitten.
August 16th, 2006 at 7:11 PM
That’s not true. The threat was for masturbating and let me tell you - it was not effective!
Besides, there is more to my secret. ha ha ha
August 16th, 2006 at 7:34 PM
Speaking of inappropriate and unfounded non-internet flirting a representative from my pest control service arrived today intending to what they do best. When I opened the door a cute, goofy guy with a full-blown southern accent stood before. He was not unlike myself excluding the country accent and most likely the cute part. So, that just leaves me at goofy. I undressed this poor fellow with my eyes. There was much mutual smiling but I did not press my luck. After all, I live in rural Tennessee and most likely constitute the entire gay population. Besides, even if this guy happens to be something less than straight I would stand a herpes viruses chance on a nun’s minge with him. He will be back on Friday as the confused fellow arrived on the wrong day. I will undoubtedly follow him around like a puppy. Boy Wonder, I also feel the pain of rejection.
August 16th, 2006 at 7:37 PM
Jerrod, I knew it! Jason Crew is involved in this somewhere.
August 16th, 2006 at 7:55 PM
Hmmm, is someone slightly obsessed with Jason Crew? I don’t think Johnny has ever met him, but I have. He’s a nice fellow and quite a stud on camera; however, I doubt Johnny would give him a second glance. I could be wrong. I mean he requested a scene with Chad Savage, who is not at all his type. Stranger things have happened.
Again I state: Just Johnny.
August 16th, 2006 at 8:10 PM
LIT: I’m most flattered by your interest. So, how did I, a straight chick discover Johnny? Well, I rented a documentary called “Shooting Porn” which featured Chi Chi LaRue. I then rented a couple of Chi Chi’s movies and, well, there was Johnny. I think the movie was “A Night at Bruno’s.” And, to your second question, my hubby doesn’t mind my little hobby in the least. Although, he was a tat embarassed some months ago when a co-worker of his accidentally opened my buygay.com magazine purchases which I had sent to his office. Oops! My bad!
August 16th, 2006 at 9:37 PM
And now that you have dined at Aquitaine, Rita, your husband can tell his co-worker that his wife’s favorite gay porn star took special good care of you both at his workplace and treated you to the best of what he had in store.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:02 AM
Rita, You are truly awesome! Supposedly it is quite rare for women to enjoy looking, i.e., men are largely responsible for the consumption of Playgirl Magazine. I would love it if you would have Boy Wonder post a picture of you. I think we are all ready to see the woman behind the Rita.
August 17th, 2006 at 10:47 AM
LIT - If you expect Rita to do a photo spread here I think it only fair that you be prepared to do the same. Am I right, people?
August 17th, 2006 at 10:59 AM
You are right, BW. You are always right, most especially when you put up pictures of cute people on the site like you seem to do more and more. I hereby second the motion.
signed: the frog
(who will never ever send in his pic, but then he didn’t start this whole thing, just answering the question.)
August 18th, 2006 at 8:09 AM
This could get scary kiddies!
As coincidence would have it, I recently agreed to be photographed by an amateur Philly-area photographer who was looking for portrait subjects. He’s a pretty unconventional shooter, so it should be interesting. You can check out his work here. I’ll be sure to pass the pic along.
August 18th, 2006 at 11:27 AM
Rita I’ve been to the site of your photographer. I find his work really interesting indeed, especially his use of shadows. My favorite so far is the one titled ‘Stance’. Keep us posted on the result.
August 18th, 2006 at 11:42 AM
BTW, Lost in… Robert I mean… Thank God it’s Friday! Check the ‘to do’ list thing. You should… no, not “Dress up as Donna Summer” (never mind, you’re too young to get it ;-)) Here it is: “Spike the drink of the Goofy Gentleman Pest Controller Caller.”
Or just offer him a cappuccino.
If he looks like he wanna say “a capu-what?” but doesn’t dare, drop it.
August 18th, 2006 at 12:44 PM
Wha? Huh? Is that some sort of lesbian code I should now about?
August 18th, 2006 at 1:43 PM
Tsk, tsk, BW: I said Pest CONTROLLER. Which sort of fits your job description too come to think of it.
August 18th, 2006 at 4:21 PM
Frog, I certainly appreciate your efforts in regards to helping me get laid. Do you happen to have any material that would not result in having to register as a sex offender (that is, after the long stint in a prison cell)? By the way Frog, although he was certainly goofy, my cute and sexy southern accent remarks were also directed towards the pest controller as I lack these endearing qualities. Just ask Boy Wonder. He recently discovered a photograph of myself in his inbox and it drove him to drink.
After all, BW posted the photograph of himself and a shaker the very same day.
August 18th, 2006 at 4:24 PM
Not true! My drinking had nothing to do with your photo. The photo drove me to retouch!
August 18th, 2006 at 4:29 PM
Rita, I am looking forward to seeing the pictures. Although, I am slightly fearful you are going to be stunningly beautiful, causing this man to question certain things about himself. I will have to keep the issues of Unzipped close at hand when the Rita makes her debut!
August 18th, 2006 at 11:29 PM
Just when Rita’s husband thought it was safe to let the wife swim into gay porn waters…
Robert, just have a couple of nuts and a banana artistically displayed on the coffee table when the pest controller comes a’ stuttering in a southern drawl (can you drawl and stutter at the same time? If so you guys must be gifted with the tongue…). Hopefully fruits are not banned yet in Tennessee. I’d love to follow this sentence with another but it wouldn’t be politically correct.
August 19th, 2006 at 12:08 AM
BTW, we’ve reached 30 comments and we still haven’t figured out Boy Wonder’s secret. Rita, where’s your feminine intuition when we need it? Robert, we could use your scientific mind here. All I can come up with myself is that, thanks to the Spellbound video, Johnny has been hired to understudy Bebe Neuwirth in the next Chicago revival.
Okay, I tried.
“Coming soon: Johnny Hazzard and Hugh Jackman in The Boys from Oz, directed by Chi Chi LaRue”
Now THAT was worth a try.
“Breaking News: Boy Wonder and Johnny Hazzard Visit Paris. It Rains Frogs.”
(That would be Auntie Denise, she’s a multiple miles flyer. Will go many miles to catch the right fly.)
“Lil’ Imps, Big Inks”, Dan Brown’s follow-up to The Da Vinci Code, is strongly rumored to be inspired by Johnny’s buttock tattoo. Apparently this is where the Order of the Tempted Saints have hidden the final message that holds the key to the descendents of Abel’s evil twin (who actually killed his brother and framed Cain). Johnny’s agent, Jerrod Wonder, is in negotiations for his client to star in the upcoming adaptation opposite Peter Saarsgard. (Well, he’s sexier than Tom Hanks to start with.)
August 19th, 2006 at 12:41 AM
I already revealed the secret several comments ago. Well, only most of it. Frog - your English is incredible! Did you find a job yet?
August 19th, 2006 at 8:55 AM
Jerrod, I am certain the Frog is poised to become a highly successful escort, wooing American tourists with a sexy French accent. Boy Wonder, I am always on the look out for additional employment opportunities. How about hiring me to be your shadow so you can look extra hot by comparison?
Frog, Boy Wonder did reveal his secret. I am sad to report that it did not involve Jason Crew in any way, shape, or form. It looks like BW will be keeping Mr. Crew all to himself.
August 19th, 2006 at 10:20 AM
LIT - Being a shadow isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (which isn’t much at all). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out with Johnny and felt invisible. Next to him I could twirl sparkler nipple tassles on fire and still not get a second glance.
August 19th, 2006 at 10:30 AM
Silly me. Reading about BW’s sexual exploration of his cousin made me, huh, blind. Never saw the rest of the post until today
BW, thanks for the compliment. My English actually looks more impressive than it sounds - you’re spared the bizzare “what was that again?” accent.
And I said I was unemployed. I didn’t say I was looking for a job. Huge difference. I know the expression “happily unemployed” is anything but PC but, as Johnny would say to Tyler Riggs: “I like it that way”.
August 19th, 2006 at 7:41 PM
Frog, on this side of the pond being “happily unemployed” typically translates into being independently wealthy. Did I mention that I am a huge fan of amphibians?
August 20th, 2006 at 6:35 AM
Lost in Robertland, I’m afraid you give me way too much credit. No one has ever confused me with an escort, at least not a higly succesful one except for that time Aunt Denise insisted I take her to Aquitaine and we were turned down at the entrance when some cute, tattooed maitre d’h pointed at the sign “No Princesses and Frogs allowed”. As for independent wealth… I decided some 18 months ago, after a few years of workaholism (hello, Jerrod!) that the biggest luxury was time. (*) To me that’s worth a few financial sacrifices. Independence from wealth is just as good as independent wealth.
(*) Actually the biggest luxury is someone who will turn you on just by the mere look in their eyes when they smile. Or what my pragmatic Aunt Denise calls “the four B’s: Brains, Beauty, Bubble Butt.”